Feel like your relationship has lost its zest? Maybe things between you and your partner just feel blah, like you are both going through the motions and recreating the same routine day in and day out? If this is the case, it might be because you are missing the one variable all happy couples possess to ensure their relationship has longevity, and that variable has to do with relationship growth.  More about this below…

 

 

Hello friend! It has been a bit and now here we are more than mid way through September already! I hope you had a wonderful summer, full of fun times as well as some rest. Our summer festivities really got underway back in June, and it was quite a hectic time, filled with my youngest son’s high school graduation, along with sightseeing days with U.K. family, plus of course, the FIFA World Cup!! and given Vancouver was one of the host cities, there was plenty to see and do, and the many soccer games to watch. We also were able to spend some time at our summer place on the coast, where we don’t do much, and that is exactly how we like it! 🙂 The shot below was from a day at the beach, doing a whole lot of nothing lol 

 

 

The Relationship Reset program Spring / Summer session kept on trucking through the sunny summer months with a brief hiatus when I was on vacation, and we just wrapped it up a few weeks ago. More news to come on The Relationship Reset below, but first back to the one important variable that all happy couples possess. 

 

The ‘secret sauce’ that satisfied, long-term couples possess…

 

If your relationship is struggling ask yourself this. Have my partner and I been pursuing growth together? Do we continually encourage each other to be the best versions of ourselves we can be? Research has shown that couples who grow together, who, over time, constantly learn and keep evolving together, are the ones that keep their relationships fresh and thriving. Couples who try new things, whether it is a cooking class or learning how to play pickleball, or immersing themselves in travel expereinces, maintain higher dopamine responses to each other. This means their brains associate their partner with excitement and reward, and when they do something different together they get a nice, big dopamine hit.

So growing together is THE critical variable couples need to have when it comes to the long term success of their relationship. 

 

When did you last try something new together? 

 

In the last few weeks my husband and I have travelled together, gone to see an amazing movie together (The Odyssey), tried out a new restaurant and donut shop, checked out the newly renovated Oakridge Mall (first pic above) and joined our youngest son at the driving range so we could practice our golf swings. We don’t really know how to golf but our son is teaching us and it was fun to break out of our regular routine, visit a new place and try a new sport. A few pics of some more of these activities below….

 

Don’t just let your relationship be about ‘procedural matters’!

 

What are ‘procedural matters’ you may be asking? 

Well this is the somewhat boring stuff that makes up everyday life. Running errands, paying bills, picking up the milk, putting the gas into vehicles, taking kids to soccer practice etc… In the last few years I have sat down with many women who have said that a good chunk of their discussions with their partners is about these family responsibilities (the ‘procedural matters’), and focuses on the  ‘who is doing what’, and as a result they aren’t really spending quality one on one time with their partner, which means they aren’t creating the space needed to truly delve into the topics that matter. Yet this connection is exactly what is needed if a relationship is struggling. How is talking about who is going to pay the Visa bill or grab the groceries, helping your marriage? That is the surface level stuff of life but relationships need the deeper connection work as well.

 

 

Keep it fresh, fun and talkative!  

 

To keep our relationships invigorated and evolving we want to be enjoying fun, creative time with our partners, and we want to be talking to each other while we are doing it. When our kids were younger, my husband and I would try to get out for dinner or even a night away at a hotel where we could spend uninterrupted time together and chat about whatever was on our minds.  We would speak about what the boys might be needing, what we are thinking about for the months ahead, how work is going, mention concerns that either of us had about anything, as well as the cool stuff like family goals and plotting out where we might want our next vacation to be.  This way we would get to have a nice ‘grown up’ dinner and really get a chance to discuss the important things, the things beyond the everyday ‘procedural matters’. 

You don’t want to underestimate the power of attentive listening!

 Having your partner truly listen to you, so they can understand your point of view, and then you doing the same in return (listening to understand your partner) is relationship gold! Our lives today are so busy that 10 minutes of deep listening and connection can unfortunately become a rare thing if we aren’t vigilant about making time to connect.

 

Connection needn’t be fancy either…

 

It doesn’t have to be a pricey outing like dinner or a night away with your partner either, it can be more about elevating simple experiences. Sometimes my husband and I connect while we are walking the dogs, or working on the yard, over morning coffee, or we might go down to the beach after dinner for a walk and an ice cream. As you can see from the first picture of me in the red swivelling chair above, we had a neat time checking out the newly renovated Oakridge Mall which was totally free.

 

A final word

 

So if things between you and your partner are a bit lacklustre currently, if you are only talking about the mundane ‘procedural matters’ of life and are feeling a bit bogged down by responsibilities and chores, use your imagination and put some excitement and novelty back into your relationship, and feel that dopamine start to flow.  You always want to be checking in with each other and ensuring that you are nurturing that one crucial variable – growing and evolving together.  

 

Well my friend, enjoy the last dog days of summer which officially ends on September 21st! 

Chat with you again soon,

 

xo

 

Elizabeth 

PS – for those interested in the next session of The Relationship Reset, which focusses on taking your relationship from one of conflict to one of contentment, stay tuned, as I will have more news about this later this fall.